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.:: life flows on and on ::.

-don't go against it-

they're all off without you having fun
i don't know what to do, nervous
Today, I was let go (or, really, resigned with no other option) from my first real job at the front desk of my dorm. It happened because of sleeping at the desk, the first incidence of which I hadn't realized it was illegal (I began working late shifts with a guy who eventually was also fired for sleeping), and the second of which I maintain is a false claim.

So, I'm counting my silver linings because the fact is I really loved this job and feel unfairly punished here, seeing as I KNOW that the second incidence DID NOT HAPPEN. I can tell you exactly what I was doing at that time, but... well, again with the silver linings:

1) No more bosses who don't believed their workers when they say they didn't do it.

2) No more long working weekends.

3) Ability to put in more hours at the library, where I'm working with Japanese texts and am in love with it just as much as I was with working at the desk.

4) No more gossippy coworkers.

5) No more gossippy coworkers getting my best friends/RAs fired for sexual harassment that didn't happen (a separate long story)

6) No more staff meetings at 7PM Sunday; If I go home I can stay until later.

7) That's all I got.

I'm calmer than I thought I would be.

(no subject)
confrontation, angry, frustrated
I have recently decided that LiveJournal is a much better place for introspection than Facebook. The times have changed drastically since I first began exploring the Internet and therefore I find Facebook to really be the best place to interact with other on the web, but this site remains the best for long parables to myself, I do believe.

I recently find myself in a bit of a rut. I am applying to be a Resident Adviser for the next school year, meaning a free room and half a meal plan as well as many responsibilities. Although the application has been out since November, one of my mentors told me that it was not actually available unless a person had attended an RA info session. I could not attend any last quarter and am scheduled for one the evening the quarter starts on Tuesday. However, my New Year's Resolution was to not complain* and so I thought to avoid procrastination, I would look into what I could do today. Lo and behold, I did NOT have to wait until the 3rd to start this and if I had, I most certainly would have never completed it because all documents are due the 8th except for references! So immediately I sent out some e-mails, including one to my mentor for references and got to work on the application.

He sends me this long text explaining in detail how inconsiderate I am being by dropping this on him so late, but of course he will do it like that amazing person he is. This guy is... he has a great drive and I respect him a lot, but his arrogance can be grating at times and this is kind of one of them. But instead of replying with "Hey, you're the one who told me to wait!" or something similar, I felt obliged to give the English equivalent of 申し訳ございません, which, by the way, there isn't one. It's literally "There is nothing that should be said" but is loosely translated to one of the most formal ways to apologize in any given situation. Often, 申し訳 is translated as "excuse" so I guess the best translation is "I have no excuse."

This isn't really the problem. The problem is this is ALWAYS my first reaction when I have created a grievous blunder such as this one. And if I were in Japan, it would be fine, but the fact of the matter is I am here in America where that kind of behavior is alarmingly strange. It affects how I work, how I interact with my coworkers and boss, and most parts of my daily life and it leaves me confused.

I AM an American. I'm not kidding myself into thinking I'm Japanese. This is not a forced thought process; it comes FAR too naturally, really. I have NOT been raised to immediately respond to situations this way. Currently, I feel as though I have 義理, obligation, that needs to be repaid as soon as possible.

Again, if I were in Japan, not only would this be exemplary behavior, but I'd probably be the teacher's pet of the year. In America, people just kind of look at me strangely.

In order to show my boss and other people that it isn't that I'm shy or uncomfortable with authority, something that is not a good quality in an RA candidate, I need to find a way to be more American about this. As it is, I don't feel like I should share my personal life with my boss simply because he's my boss. There are boundaries.

This rant sounds much better in my head. What it comes down to is that I am beginning to feel too Japanese to survive in American business situations. I'm not one of those people who always says America < Japan, because by all means, the fact that America DOESN'T have this kind of obligation culture is a positive thing, but I feel alienated in my own country some days.

Anyone else who has immersed themselves in some kind of cultural study feel the same way? :/ Thoughts on how to prevent it?

*By not complaining, I mean that instead of complaining to do something about it. If I don't like my energy levels, I need to become healthier instead of complaining that I'm tired and fat. If I don't like getting sick, I need to find time in the day to rest so that I don't end up that way. If I don't like being stressed, I need to not procrastinate to avoid the stress building up that way. Etc, etc. This is my thought process.

a single thing you do
rainbow, organized
Lately I've been thinking, which always seems to end badly. Now that some of the dust has settled, I have been able to read some of the news stories about the extent of the damage in Japan, and of course it got me thinking.

One man in Kasennuma, a seaside town completely decimated by the wave, a man said that they were given warning to evacuate, although they ended up having less than an hour to escape. He and many others took a route through a tunnel, but the traffic was unmoving. The man knew he wouldn't make it if he continued that way and was lucky to find somewhere to get off and get to higher ground. He watched the wave sweep into the tunnel where hundreds of cars were gridlocked.

Imagine that, for a second. Gridlocked into a sure death. You can't imagine it, can you?

My freshman year of high school, one of Sensei's first culture days was a dark lesson, in retrospect. He gave us several disastor situations for Tokyo and we had to come up with some kind of solution. Most of them were comical,bit then he asked us seriously, "What would you do?" Someone rewplied, "What can you do?" And all he had to say to that was "Exactly."

Here in America, there is always somewhere to escape. Never take the vastness of this country for granted.

the possibilities
grim, sad, mourning
Yesterday was a very scary day for me. A very scary day for a lot of people, but I couldn't seem to lift my spirits at all until late last night when the final two of my Japanese friends got back to me and said that they were safe.

Scary. That's what it is.

The stories I've heard just make me cry. One one of my friend's family is from Ibaraki, which is halfway between Tokyo and Sendai, the city that was the most damaged. Her parents are both teachers and her brother is still in school; they all had to spend the night in their schools without electricity or cell-phone service. Meanwhile her elderly grandfather was at home worried.

Another one of my friends was on Skype with his friend in Tokyo when the earthquake happened. I can't imagine watching that.

Another friend's grandfather who lives in Chiba's life was saved because he was taking a walk instead of laying in bed like normal.

Sensei's mom was in her office and said that when she felt it begin, she thought she would die in there.

We were supposed to have a birthday party for one of the Japanese students here; none of them felt like hanging out, of course. Even if all their families were safe, I can't blame them.

Scary stuff. I am much less restless today, thank god. I donated to the Red Cross and all of my friends are safe. But there's a death toll that's already hit 1000 with many people missing. Japanese people here want nothing more then to be back even if they know that's not feasible. Scary, scary stuff. It really makes you think.

rainbow, organized
So at the beginning of December I was feeling (typical to this time of year) extremely nostalgic for Buffalo. This nostalgia kind of bled into a longing to know my father's side of the family and get connected with the "Tirone" side of my heritage. Thanks to Facebook, I found one of my father's cousins and actually talked on the phone with him for a few hours.

At one point in the conversation, I marveled at how many people I was related to that I had no idea of (he was pretty much giving me the family tree starting from when the Tirone family came to the United States) and he said "Are you kidding? Go onto my Facebook page; you're related to every Tirone there!"

Naturally, I looked. It was like... looking at the Mirror of Erised. (Seriously, I felt like Harry) I was finding people with my eyes, with my father's face, with his nose, and even a man with my eyebrows! (This is really hard to describe, but I have a permanently raised right eyebrow that's kind of become more obvious over time). It was beautiful and I cried.

Lately I've been feeling the same kind of nostalgia. The thing is I can't put my family back together; that's something that's up to my dad, and I don't think he's interested. He's interested to hear what people are up to, but other than that... well, of course we live different lives.


Also, update on mid-quarter crisis: as soon as I submit the paperwork, I'll officially be a Japanese major with a business minor. Excited to start on Japanese major!!!!

just don't wanna be alone
rainbow, organized
I can't decide if my hatred for Econ means I'm not cut out to be a business major or not.

This is kind of a dilemma. I'm preparing myself for a switch, if it happens, but I'm talking to my adviser on Friday.

This doesn't change what I want to do at all. From the getgo, I've known "translator/interpreter" but there's no MAJOR for that. So I'm thinking now International Studies or International Affairs. Maybe.

We shall see.

fake smiles, 頑張る, fragile
So... Livejournal. It has been a very long time, unfortunately. It is indeed 3:20 in the morning and I am indeed still awake because... there is more schoolwork to be done than there are hours in the day. That might be an exaggeration ;D

Pretty much, here's the skinny: College is fantastic. I love it! I've met tons of fascinating people and I just interviewed to become an RA for next year. We'll see how that goes.

But I'm back! Hopefully. Just so you know. Now back to my prelab...

i get it, simplicity
Should not leave her password saved on computers that are 2 hours away from where she currently is. Nice people would not hack into her account and post things. I'm not a nice person


i don't wanna be friends
fake smiles, 頑張る, fragile
I met up with the fantastic Dana Buzzelli, aka one of my room mates today!!

And consequently got my first parking ticket... I just lost track of time, I guess, and now I'm out $15. At least it wasn't worse, hahaha.

On another standard college note, Jimmy Hoffa, where's my money!! I'm 5G in the hole and I need my scholarship by the 22nd, thank you! It appears that you gave ma a partial $1,250 or something like that, and I need the rest!! Otherwise, I think it might be too late to get a loan...

I'll check in on this tomorrow, I think.

always, i wanna be with you
confrontation, angry, frustrated
Suffice to say that I have dropped off the face of the earth for a while there, guys. What's been going on with me since... whenever the hell I last posted...

JAPAAAAANNNN!!!!!!!!! was the best three weeks of my life. Seriously. Hardly a day doesn't go by without me getting nostalgic about that trip. Tokyo is a beautiful city and I want to live there one day. Toyohashi is a Japanese Toledo with the kindest people. When I first went to my host family, I really did almost cry because it was what I had done for four years in reverse. It was just a beautiful experience all around.

...Getting stuck at O'Hare the night Chicago flooded, not so much, but hey, it didn't ruin the trip at all.

Other than that, my life has basically been HOLY SHIT GET READY FOR COLLEGE. I've done most of my shopping, but I'm still lacking a laptop, and it might... stay that way. Which makes me a little angry, but hey. I'm technically moving out (I mean, I'm home for like four months of twelve if you think about it) and kind of want to establish a form of financial independence. AKA I live under the roof for which you pay the bills but I don't want to have to ask you shit that is probably pretty necessary because all I ever get is disappointment. (I'm not bitter about this. Not at all.)

I also backed into a car in Buffalo. ...Shit happens. >_<

Today, I'm meeting with one of my room mates down in BG! (Manda, I'll prolly give you a call when I'm done. If you're awake, we can hang? Yes/yes?) Wish me luck!!