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.:: life flows on and on ::.

-don't go against it-

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分からないまま進めないから
i don't know what to do, nervous
effluency
Sometimes, I wonder if my priorities are in the wrong place...

On Thursday, my mom had surgery. I KNEW that she was having surgery. I knew it! But, this last week was extremely hectic for me. I slept less than 2 hours every night and spent every free moment studying, doing homework, and researching for term papers... it was just one of those weeks. Anyone who's ever been a college student understands these weeks.

Well, being that I'm a first-generation college student, my parents don't. I didn't call or do anything or check in on the day of the surgery because, well... I kind of forgot. And so, my mom called me yesterday morning pretty upset, which led to a crushing spiral of guilt that led to me cancelling me shifts at work this weekend and Monday and going home (which I should be doing soon.)

I'm so down about it. I feel a little lost. Family First, that's what I've always known, and only recently did I realize I could love my friends as much as my family. But am I valuing their time more than that of my family's, too? Because, in my world, it still doesn't seem like the right thing to do. Yet, I'm doing it, aren't I? I drop everything for JSO stuff, every time. Not just because I'm the vice president but because I love being part of that group and doing things for it. But yet, I couldn't find it in me to try and make it work out and go home for Easter last weekend.

This isn't really an existential crisis, but I do feel really guilty right now. I feel like I need to sit by myself for a while and sort out my priorities, but that's never been something that's been good for me. I'm the kind of person that if left alone for too long will just descend into self hate. I prefer to be surrounded by people, because then I can focus my energy outwards.

Ahhh... priorities... it doesn't help that I'm probably not going home this summer because I was able to secure an internship here in Columbus. I'm really excited about it, but it does mean less 親孝行 and more わがまま from my point of view.